Fruitless

The mango is cantaloupe's ugly cousin. Its very very VERY ugly cousin. While this is not a timely recount I felt it important enough to include anyway.
On a trip to Vegas I unwittingly bit into a piece of mango thinking it was a piece of the much more refined and classy cantaloupe..It was not. It VERY much was not. It was mushy and duller than it's cousin. It was a poor excuse for a fruit and why any establishment would include such an atrocity on their breakfast platter is an enigma to me. They should be ashamed to be associated with that stuff.
So this is as much a rant as it is a warning. Beware of those imposter cantaloupe pieces. Learn from my mistakes and save your tasebuds from the horror that is the mango.

* And as if you need any more proof then I have already given you I add this anyway: Mango was the name of that cross-dressing, high-pitched, diva-dramatization, spine-tingling irritating character that Chris Kattan played on Saturday Night Live. Case closed.

Late Night with Justin Timberlake

Jimmy Fallon was the ugly cousin on his own show! Last night was Jimmy's first as Late Night's newest host and he wasn't half bad. I am a huge Conan hater and am extremely disappointed he's taking over the Tonight Show, but I've been intrigued to see how Jimmy would do in his place. The monlogue was nothing special; a few rather contrived jokes and a smattering of clever comments at an usually vocal and roudy audience.
The Roots were amazing, and I still cannot believe they agreed to do a talk show, but hey I'm not complaining. They're almost too cool for school.
The slow jammin the news skit was funny. Not Jimmy so much as the Roots' singer. Reminded me very much of those hilarious Budweiser commercials, 'Real Men of Genius'.
The Lick for Ten skit was absurd and very college boy humor. Not a fan.
Poor Jimmy was noticably nervous and was over-compensating with frenzied energy. It wasn't a mess, but it can certainly be refined.
DeNiro was guest number one and I am still undecided how much of his appearance was an act. Dear Bob is notorious for not being much of a talker, but he seemed to be going out of his way to be difficult, so I'm thinking it was part of the gag. Funny for about a second and then it was painful to watch. When the host talks more than the guest, it's never a good sign.
And then we come to the highlight of the night. Perhaps I am slightly biased because of my Fatal Attraction/Single White Female type obsession with JT, but Timberlake knocked it out of the park. He should have his own show or something. Once he came out Jimmy relaxed and the whole mood of the show changed. There was witty banter and quite humerous impersonations. And the MTV reality show clip looked interesting as well. Justin should have been the only guest if you ask me.
Jimmy got upstaged, but I think he can improve. He may not be condemned to ugly cousinness forever. I will tune in again tonight though, despite the fact it conflicts with my beloved Golden Girls. Not for Mr. Fallon so much as I love Ms. Fey!
Weekend Update lives on...

Less of West

Kanye, Kanye, Kanye...What the hell has happened to you? Only a few years ago he was one of the few hip hop artists that actually had something lyrical to say. It wasn't all cars and women (some of it was of course) but at his height it was poems put to beats. An artist after my own heart. I still put Never Let Me Down, Hey Mama, and Roses on my playlists, so I'm clearly a fan, I have respect for his talent. However, I cannot for the life of me figure how he took such a turn for the worst.
The clothes, the hair, the poor attempt at singing...It's embarrassing to watch. A special on VH1 recently aired called Storytellers. Musicians perform a sample of their songs and inbetween explain the inspiration behind them; a genius program that I wish would air more often. Kanye did this show once before and it was fantastic...This time not so much. His "explantions of inspirations" were just incoherent self-righteous rants. He seemed to go into hideous free-styles where even the audience seemed unsure how to react.
He's always been a character of sorts, always seemed to think of himself as a player bigger than life in the game. He's always spared no expense and was never one to err on the side of caution when it came to what he said out loud, but he's become a persona too campy too exploited too contrived to even laugh at. He's a caricature.
Jay-Z needs to take him aside and slap some sense into his Roc-a-fella protege. I think Kanye needs to stick to what he knows and go back to school.

What's Black & White And Going Out Of Business?

It truly pains my heart to write this, but newspapers have become the ugly cousin of media's mediums. I would love to feel bad for their woes and label them the victim of an ever changing ADD type nation. Unfortunately, this would be a lie. They are not victims, they are poor business models and our democracy is going to suffer for it.
What did they think was going to happen when they started putting their entire paper up on the internet for free? Ad dollars can only sustain you for so long when you're just giving the whole cow away. Now don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoy this era of free, get it as soon as you want it news, but it has crippled journalism. Newspapers are on life support, they are the Terry Schiavo of media and it's not a matter of if they will disappear, but how quickly.
Some might argue that jouralism just has to evolve with the times, that just like anything else the news will soon adapt and find other fruitful ways to present itself.
To that I urge caution...Because until that time comes there will be no next Woodward and Bernstein. The quality of investigative, watchdog journalism will be virtually non-existent. There will be no money to insure Big Brother keeps in line or Big Business doesn't steal your money and then your homes. There will be no eye in the sky and perhaps there is no scarier truth.
So do your part. Save a paper. Bailout this ugly cousin before it's too late.

You Might Be A Redneck If...

It's been quite a while since the North and South ran divided, and perhaps this statement is pushing us right back to the pre civil war era, but I'm going to say it anyway...The South is most definitely the North's ugly ass cousin.
Now I don't make such a claim out of bias. Yes, I do happen to be a Yankee (luckily) but any person with half a brain would make the exact same claim after watching the two documentaries I saw in the past few months. Both happen to be by the same woman, Alexandra Pelosi (she's awesome) and both also happened to be on HBO, and both vividly depict our Southern neighbors as God loving, slightly retarded, gun wielding, toothless twits.
The first documentary (now as I write the title escapes me) was about Evangelicals in America's heartland. These people attend church the way we attend baseball games or concerts--in stadium sized arenas without an empty seat to spare. They flock to sermons and sing along and cry and live just the way God wants his loyal christian followers to live--by The Book.
Now, I'm not objecting to faith, faith can be a benficial and sometimes necessary element of life. I'm objecting to their literal take on faith. On believing that Noah actually built a giant fucking ark and assembled the world's animals two by two upon it. On believing that Adam and Eve were really two horny dudes all alone in the Garden of Eden and had a quickie behind the bush. On believing that God created the Earth in 7 days and that people and dinosaurs roamed the world at the same time, and evolution is just one big sham of a theory. That is what I have a problem with. These people are teaching their kids to believe in stories, in myths, in tall tales as scientific fact. They send their kids to camps and seminars where they sing and present slide shows proving the Bible is for real, brainwashing them to pass on nonsense. One man thought it was his life's mission to erect giant crosses in every state. Don't think he's crazy yet? It cost thousands of dollars to put up each one, and he's already done more than a dozen. Convinced? The southern highways are speckled with billboards prompting questions such as what would jesus do? And what is the deal with those Jesus fish anyway? Oh and one last fact to leave you with, the pastor featured throughout the documentary a week after the film was released was discovered to be having a homosexual affair with a prostitute and doing crystal meth.
The second film was called "Right America". It's about pretty much the same people, the bible belt of America discussing there reasons for voting for John McCain as president in 2008. Some thought Obama was an Arab, was hanging out with Osama Bin Laden on the weekends. Some thought he was Muslim, they likened him to Hitler and the devil. Some thought he was a socialist and then when asked could not explain what socialism meant. And some were quite plain about their reasons for not wanting Obama in the White House---He's a nigger. In the year 2008 and one man went on camera saying he's from a different generation (he couldn't have been older than 40) and that np black man should be the president, the nation isn't ready for that. He said it's not that he's behind the times just the rest of the world is too ahead...He then added for good measure that if it were up to him women still wouldn't be able to vote either.
I don't care what your political beliefs are or if McCain was your maverick of choice this past November, but the reasons these Confederates gaves for ridiculous and embarrassing. I cannot believe, here in the 21st century we still have neanderthals walking amongst us.
Lincoln is revered as our greatest president, for abolishing slavery and reconstructing a bruised and divided nation, for reuniting the confederacy with the union. Now we are stuck in a perpetual family reunion where every day we must confess that we know that ugly, gawky, smelly guy waving ferociously in the corner. We must begrudingly and through gritted teeth admit that yes it's true, we are related. But quickly iterate---it's only by marriage.

JetBlows

The Airline industry officially has an ugly cousin...JetBlue. I have known this for a long time, but it's time to out this poor excuse for an airline once and for all. I have often taken the shuttle from Boston to JFK airport for its cheapness, but in all other aspects it sucks. I have NEVER been on a JetBlue flight that left ontime. In fact I still have nightmares about terminal 6.
Sure they have TV's on board, but they even manage to screw that up. On more than one occassion my TV was broke (it was stuck, with no sound on a promotions channel) Luckily the flight is only 40 minutes, but it gets old watching the same movie previews over and over and over again.
Recently the JFK terminal was switched and I will admit it is very nice. They have free WiFi everywhere and cool looking pods you can sit at and order food and stuff. But you have to ask yourself why? Why would an airline spend sooo much money for all these bells and whistles, for such a chic looking terminal? Because the truth of the matter is that they NEED their terminal to be state of the art and accommodating, so as your attention will be distracted from the fact your flight is two hours late.
You know those laws they have now where a plane can only keep passengers on the plane for a certain amount of hours before they MUST let them off? The reason--why JetBlue of course. Unfortunately, for my friend those laws came too late as she spent over 5 hours on the tarmac at JFK a couple of years ago, but at least her pain was not vain!
Moral of the story, it may be cheap, it may seem appealing to save a few bucks, but you will want to throw things, hit people, and scream your discontent.
They're marketing strategy can only boast point. You will be frustrated, you will be angry, you will be very very late, but you will get to your destination in one piece!

New Edition

I am no longer a blog virgin...This being my very first post ever. I don't really think I'm all that interesting, but what I do have are some pretty interesting friends.
I had originally began writing a collection of essays called Conventional Wisdom's Ugly Cousin, the concept really being quite simple. For every All American, Ivy League attending, Greenpeace volunteering, perfect toothed, cultured, model citizen humbly bragging about their achievements and future, there's an ugly cousin in the background grinding their crooked teeth convincing themselves they're just as good, just as smart, and just as talented.
So that's the idea. You get it? This is everything you know, everything that's popular, everything that is loved and adored, every trend, every favorite thing's ugly cousin in the background.
Consider me the official ugly cousin advocate, a spokesman for all the shunned souls of the world, all the second bests. Because you may not have won the race, but out of all the losers you were the best of them.
Enjoy!